Codependency

Codependency

If we think of a pendulum of co-dependence: on one extreme there is dependence, and on the other extreme there is independence. In the middle is interdependence.

People who are struggling with independent codependents often think they don’t need anyone and that they can do everything by themselves. Or they think it’s just easier if I do it alone. People who live in this extreme of codependent behavior are often controlling, manipulative, hostile, resentful and indirect. 

Dependent codependents are often needy, clingy, indecisive, and carry a victim mentality. Dependents often think, “I’m happy if you’re happy, I want what you want. I don’t have any needs.” They can read a room like no-other. They are hyper-aware of other people’s needs yet they don’t recognize their own needs or feelings. When asked they will most often say, I don’t know. Or they might just say good.

When we live in the extremes of the pendulum, either dependent or independent our life feels out of control. We feel broken, deflated, burnt out, and exhausted. Or we feel angry, hostile, and resentful. 

People say when we get into recovery, we come in either as a steam roller or a doormat. Obviously, the steam roller would be the independent co-dependent, and the doormat would be the dependent co-dependent.

Perhaps we’ve vacillated between the two extremes. I know I did. I felt I was the steamroller before I became the doormat. 

Someone who is living in the middle, interdependency, can identify they have their own needs and wants, and listen to the needs and wants of others as well.  They have learned to find balance and work together. People living in interdependence have learned how to be clear communicators. They’ve discovered their own inner selves, and honor that inner voice. They know what they like and don’t like. They are also able to take others’ opinions into consideration. Interdependents are able to ask for help and be of help. There is a healthy balance.

If you desire to grow in this area of our life we highly encourage you to check out our community and join one of our meetings! God desires you to be whole!